When working with others, "respect," "politeness," and "courtesy" have always been my principles. But recently, I've discovered that these two basic standards might actually become tools for self-deprecation with certain people.
The problem arises when the power dynamic between both parties is "misperceived" as unequal, leading the other person to think they can do whatever they want and take whatever they ask for. The core issue stems from the initial "politeness" and "courtesy." I'm the type of person who naturally shows a lot of respect based on someone's status, age, experience, and other external factors. Of course, respect is important, but there are "adults" in this world who exploit this respect and abuse their power.
Then, I often find myself thinking, "They're just born earlier, what's so great about that?" creating an imbalance. "So why was I so courteous in the first place?" "I'm not their tool (or servant)," but by the time I feel this "cognitive dissonance," it's already too late to salvage the situation.
I once heard a story about a young teacher in education. At first, he was very kind to his students, so much so that they became disrespectful to him. He then had to resort to punishment as a teaching method, only to face even stronger backlash because the students felt the teacher "pretended to be nice to them at first." How could the teacher have pretended to be nice and then shot himself in the foot? Of course, the intention was mutual respect between teacher and student, but the students didn't appreciate it.
This is what I think is the common problem with "courtesy." Of course, we can't always blame others for crossing our boundaries—often, it's because we haven't made our boundaries clear to them. Because we tend to put other people's needs first, worrying "Did I reply a bit late? Will that upset them?" or "If I suddenly say I'm busy in the middle of a chat, will that be a downer?" These worries constantly battle in my head, so I generally reply to messages very quickly. Lately, I've been wondering if this is a self-sabotaging behavior.
Because it seems like I'm the only one losing out. So how do I improve? I've broken it down into psychological and behavioral aspects.
On the psychological side, I've recently been practicing gradually reducing my use of digital devices. Let me describe my digital addiction: my Apple phone battery drops 50% in 2 hours, and before bed I scroll until I'm drowsy before charging it. Messages appear and I rush to respond.
"You have your own things to do!" "Don't reply too quickly or they'll think you're too efficient." I've been getting this feedback and advice lately, so I've started trying to focus more on myself and stepping away from screens. For example, when I pop out to a convenience store, I don't bring my phone. When the screen lights up, I flip it over. I've switched my calendar from Google to a paper planner. I can't avoid using a computer for writing, so I close LINE and Facebook and keep my phone far away—adjusting this tendency to always prioritize others' needs.
On the behavioral side, what I really want to explore is my own actions. I'm grateful that a colleague listened to my thoughts and understood why I felt that imbalance, and they shared their own approach: "For recent projects, I've taken a higher stance. From communication to launch, we completed everything in a week." This is the real experience of a leader—neither servile nor arrogant, with clear objectives.
Of course, shifting myself from a misperceived subordinate position back to an equal footing, and then standing from a position of strength, is a long journey. "This requires deliberate practice," which is a new challenge for me. I'm trying not to anticipate every concern for the other party, even if I could. I'm learning to figure out who's the principal and who's the agent, communicating with equality and professionalism—refusing when necessary, explaining when needed. When there's no need to address someone as "brother" or "sister," I simply call them by their name instead of making myself the "little sister," and I certainly shouldn't only show respect when I want to. Consistency in attitude keeps me from appearing undignified.
There's nothing wrong with politeness, but don't let people think you have no boundaries, or they'll crush you beneath their feet.
