This is a question a reader messaged me about. I think many people might encounter this kind of confusion in the workplace, so I'm sharing it with everyone. Below I've recorded it in a Q&A format.

Reader's Question

My coworker isn't very willing to teach me how to do things. What can I do to get her to teach me?

Karen

I think you could start by asking in a humble way, because teaching junior staff isn't really part of their job description. I think you can first show some goodwill. What's her attitude generally like?

Reader

So she shouldn't teach me? Should I figure everything out on my own when I first join the company? She does things based on her mood...

Karen

It's not that she shouldn't teach you. It's that this type of person tends to respond when people ask them questions. Do you have other coworkers you can ask? Maybe the company's structure and systems aren't complete, so she might not know how to do it either. I'd suggest you take the initiative to ask.

But don't be too pushy either. If you have a good attitude and she still won't help, see if there are other coworkers you can ask?

Reader

It's not that she won't teach me. It's that she keeps certain things to herself... won't share them.

These are things we should know as part of our job, but she probably thinks if I learn how to do them, she'll become less unique at the company.

Karen

If you ask her, she still won't say? How long has she been here?

Reader

For certain things, she refuses to share! 13 years.

Karen

I think because she's quite senior, her mindset is probably that she figured all these things out from scratch herself, so she naturally thinks others should do the same. She probably feels like her experience came from falling down and getting hurt, and if she just tells you directly, she'd feel some resentment. But if these are really just daily routine tasks and she won't tell you, that's her problem. If they're the kind of things you only learn after doing them for a while, we shouldn't think she's gatekeeping to bully newcomers. Watch carefully how she does things normally—if she's lasted 13 years, she must have considerable ability.

Reader

She's always telling me: "You're lucky you have people to ask now. Back when I had problems, I had to figure everything out myself—nobody could help."

(Karen thinks a lot of veterans have this kind of mindset)

Karen

Right? Everyone has different attitudes toward newcomers, and I don't think we can blame them for not teaching. But I think you can take the initiative to show goodwill first—you can express your attitude through asking questions. For example, ask how they do something so well, then observe them carefully since there's just the two of you at the company. If they won't take the initiative and you want to learn, then you start.

In the workplace, it's either adapt or it's a good fit, otherwise take action to change things. Give yourself a small daily goal—like talking to them one more sentence or asking one more question each day, then gradually increase. If you've made a lot of effort and it still doesn't work, then you just have to decide if you want to stay.

====Other Readers' Perspectives====

"A lot of times it's not that the senior staff won't teach—it's that newcomers don't even ask and just do things wrong.

Some senior staff do teach newcomers seriously, but some newcomers have an attitude of taking it or leaving it, which isn't very commendable either.

Or maybe they've taught for a long time, the newcomer is getting the hang of things, then they say they're leaving at the end of the month.

Eventually the senior staff loses motivation to teach, thinking everyone leaves anyway so why bother?

It comes down to perspective, but in the end it boils down to this: soften your stance, be a bit sweeter in your words, don't let pride get in the way. I really don't think learning something is that hard."

====Other Readers' Perspectives====

Talking about senior coworkers, I once encountered a controlling colleague who was more stressful to deal with than my manager.

What I couldn't stand most was how they'd often send long messages during off-hours, especially late at night. Beyond work advice, they'd constantly complain about how hard they worked before.

Over time, it really made me feel tremendously stressed, even to the point of mental exhaustion...

====Other Readers' Perspectives====

My guess is that people who feel insecure about their skills, who are afraid of being surpassed, tend to want to gatekeep.

In this situation, you can appropriately praise your senior coworker's experience and help them discover more of their own value. At the same time, show them you're coming from a collaborative mindset, not a competitive one.